The Fanfiction Rules of the Internet!
by Axenome
Summary: Ever notice that themes and events keep happening over and over? The rules, codified. Message me with new ones- if I like them, I'll add them in!


I was reading a terrible fic the other day, when I went into my saved sites and accidentally clicked my saved address of the Rules of the Internet.

It occured to me that those rules, in their own way, could be extended to the world of fanfiction.

Thus the following. Enjoy!

**8-15-12 Updated!**

**Fanfiction Rules of the Internet**

_Thanks to the delightful, horrible, uncaring anonymi of 4chan, _

_the world has learned the Rules of the Internet._

_This, then, is the Fanfiction Rules of the Internet._

Rule 0: In fanfiction, rules are meant to be broken. Actually, it's not limited to fanfiction, but it is extremely safe, easy, and rewarding to do so in fanfiction since it is always funny to see the canon extremists going mad over the most innocent detail. It's not as if they can do anything to you.  
Rule 0a: At least, I hope so.  
Rule 0b (aka Big Brother complex): They can't, can they?! (Rules 0, 0a, and 0b courtesy Gold Experience Requiem)

Rule 1: Thou shalt write what pleases thee, and the series creator shall weep, yet fanfiction shall endure.

Rule 2: Copyright- _(KAH-pee-ryt) noun_ the amateur author's right to copy whatever they please from the original series as "build up" to whatever changes they make to the story, even when it ends up being fifty thousand words amounting to the first three seasons of the series.  
Rule 2a: Even if it makes for shitty storytelling.  
Rule 2b: Which it usually does.

Rule 3: Disclaimer: the "get out of jail time and fines" pass.

Rule 4: It doesn't matter how trite, poorly written, or just overall terrible a fic is- it will still have fans. Rabid, religiously fanatical ones.

Rule 5: It doesn't matter how brilliant, engaging, and overall well written a fic is- it will have flames. Rabid, religiously fanatical ones.

Rule 6: It doesn't matter that the main character actually likes women in canon, ninety percent of all fics written about him will be yaoi.  
Rule 6a: Fifty percent of the non yaoi fics about him will turn him female, and often lesbian or futa.

Rule 7: The worse the technical writing ability of the author, the more fics he or she will write.

Rule 8: There are no rules in fanfiction.

Rule 9: The forum doesn't allow this kind of fic. Post it anyways.

Rules 8a and 9a: You will be forum banned for following or breaking the rules of either fanfiction or the forum. Interchangeably.

Rule 10: Crossover doesn't guarantee that the fic will suck. Ninety nine point nine percent is not one hundred percent.

Rule 11: Self Insertion!

Rule 12: I am not twelve years old, even if all the girls are falling all over the main character/self insertion/Mary Sue for no discernable reason at all. And you're a doody head.

Rule 13: "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about Mary Sue's power levels?" "It's over NINE THOUSAND! ... times the power levels of the strongest canon character in the series."

Rule 14: American fanfiction writers will characterize any strong, self confident, or tsundere female character as an abusive psycho bitch.  
Rule 14a: And then bash fic the ever living hell out of her. Seriously, it's like a fanfiction character assassination.

Rule 15: Any lead character who has anything less than a perfect home life or childhood will usually be characterized as a selfless martyr, and gets kicked around or abused far worse in one chapter than they ever did during the entirety of the canon series.

Rule 16: The Knights of the True Fiancee are not dead. They are trolling your reviews and dissecting your fics as we speak, looking for anything that deviates from canon, ready to web search you out, find your home address, and key your car for it.

Rule 17: Seventeen is half of thirty four. And half of rule 34 is written by people who not only have never HAD sex, but also never WILL have sex.  
Rule 17a: And it's hideously, horribly obvious as to why.

Rule 18: There is a church of every female character of every anime ever made, who fervently believe that she is The One for the male lead, and no amount of logic or series creator interviews will ever change their minds.

Rule 19: San, chan, kun, sama? Meh. I don't know what they mean, but I will attach them to EVERY FUCKING NOUN IN THE STORY.

Rule 20: Kokowa doko nanda? The Japanese language is a privelege, not a right, and until you learn at least a little bit, you should not have the privelege.

Rule 21: The idea is only original once. If it's done right the first time, you will become a legend among the classic readers, and within one year your ground breaking premise will be so unbearably cliche because of all the imitators, that newb readers will flame the ever loving shit out of you for your "lack of imagination."  
Rule 21a: Of course, thinking that you are writing anything original is actually proof that you haven't been exposed to the fanfiction community long enough. (Gold Experience Requiem)

Rule 22: No fanfiction is ever completely free of pop culture references.

Rule 23: Nothing is more annoying than a gory and violent fic being written by someone who has never personally witnessed or experienced gore or violence, with the possible exception of rule 17.

Rule 24: UPDATE SOON WRITE MOAR.  
Rule 24a: If you release the next chapter before it's up to proper standards, your fans will NEVER let you forget it. And the following sentence will probably be, "UPDATE SOON WRITE MOAR."

Rule 25: AUTHOR OF ORIGINAL SERIES SUX0R AND THIS IS HOW IT SHUD BE LULZ.

Rule 26: "C&C" means "comment and critique," although when a fanfiction author puts it down in a public what they really mean is "flatter me and stroke my ego."

Rule 27: Your fic will never be posted in the community that you wanted it to be in. Flame them in the community that you ARE in (populated by mindless sheep (who make a mockery of your work by praising peripheral and pointless fluff you added in while missing the entire point of the story) on their failboards).

Rule 28: Krista Perry will never finish Hearts of Ice. The blithering tripe of Ranma taking a fifteen minute trip down the River Styx to make his way back to Akane is such an insulting cop out to the fans who followed Akane's TWO YEAR journey trying to find a way back from the land of the Kami, especially when you take into account that THE STORY WAS ABOUT AKANE the WHOLE TIME. Oh, and spoiler alert. I prefer to hang about it the series right before that garbage can half chapter and wisftully imagine how an author who cared about the characters and her story (like Krista deceived us all into believing SHE was) would have charted the epic journey with one another searching out ways to cross the veil, and be united at last in this world or the next. But Krista robbed us of this, and I can't help but equate it to the ICP sixth clown card, and wonder if this was really a sadistic prank aimed at people who enjoy fanfiction rather than nihilistic music about running with knives.

Rule 29: Most truly epic fics never outright die, they just take progressively longer to come out with the next chapter. Shadow Chronicles is now up to about 18 months between posts.

Rule 30: Vampire angst fic.

Rule 31: Werewolf angst fic.

Rule 32: Highschool angst fic.

Rule 33: Vampire-Werewolf-Highschool uber-angst fic. Also known as tween porn, or the average Twilight fic. Also, similar in scale to a very mild and cheerful version of most Inuyasha fics. Or the original Inuyasha, for that matter. Or anything else written by Rumiko Takahashi, because honestly, she can't stand the idea of her male protagonist catching any romantic breaks what so ever.

Rule 34: There is lemon of it. No exceptions.  
Rule 34a: There is Yaoi lemon of it. No exceptions.  
Rule 34a(1): Due to the vast number of yaoi pairings, there is literally one of every male character from every series paired with another male of any other series. Yes, there is, I have SEEN this abomination, a crossover pairing between Elrond of Lord of the Rings, and Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Enterprise D. And Cracked did a feature on it of the worst fanfiction ever written. (Inspired by Oyaban-Kyuubi with an addendum I'd almost managed to suppress completely in memory- but if I have to relive it, I'm sharing)  
Rule 34a(2): The more popular a pairing is, the more likely you will find a realistically handled relationship between them, with an actual concept of how a relationship is built and works. (Courtesy Oyaban-Kyuubi)  
Rule 34a(3): When 34a(2) occurs it can usually be substituted for sanity's sake with the submissive/uke/more feminine character being mentally converted to a female, causing it to make sense, thus saving your sanity without missing out on what otherwise might be a fantastic story. Some enterprising types out there with the mental fortitude might want to go so far as to create such versions of said stories so the occasional sex scene doesn't make hetero readers want to stab out their eyes with phillips screwdrivers. (Inspired by Oyaban-Kyuubi with addendums by me)  
Rule 34b: There is Pokegirl lemon of it. No exceptions.  
Rule 34c: There is fan art of any lemon fic ever written. Especially Yaoi and Pokegirl.  
Rule 34d: Mpreg: when you absolutely, possitively, MUST have the baby look like both the parents, despite the biological and conceptual idiocy of the canon straight characters being in a gay relationship. (Inspired by Erisah Mae)

Rule 35: The abuse of the knowledgable, elderly canon character for the purposes of lazy plot exposition (and explanation of entirely made up world physics that completely contradict those laid out in canon) will never end.

Rule 36: PLOT HOELZ GOEZ WHERE?  
Rule 36a: Plot holes can include breaches in known science and physics. No matter how vital they are for the original work, fanfictions can and routinely will ignore the science and physics of the worlds on which they depend.  
Rule 36b: No matter how bizarre and unrealistic the original work is in regards to such sciences and laws of physics, authors are setting new limits daily on how over the top they can take them.  
Rule 36c: The number of plotholes is linked to the number of crossovers and cameos as a function of Pi, where the power of pi multiplied by the number of chapters over the factor of the crossed over stories or proportion of stories excerpted from the original works. This means that there are not only fractional and irrational plotholes, but also imaginary ones and goedelized lunacy where the laws of mathematics completely breaks down, leaving a quagmire of idiocy that vampiricly feeds off of the fans like leeches. And, like leeches, they grin happily in complete ignorance as long as they don't notice these plot holes are there. (36a, 36b, and 36c taken from or inspired by Gold Experience Requiem)

Rule 37: Punkchewashun and spleling erorrs omg whars teh period

Rule 38: You are not original. Fanfiction is nothing new. The only difference between now and two thousand years ago is that Homer's Illiad wasn't constrained by copyright laws.  
Rule 38a: Nor by libel laws.  
Rule 38b: Nor by laws pertaining to historical accuracy.

Rule 39: You are not Homer, nor will you ever be as awesome as Achilles, Hector, or Helen of Troy. Thiss will not dissuade someone from attempting to portray their self insertion characcter as untouchably badass, unerringly accurate, or unbelievably beautiful in a half assed and entirely unsuccessful attempt at creating the most amazing writing ever set down in a readable format.

Rule 40: Seventeen plus twenty-three is forty. And rule forty happens when both rule seventeen and rule twenty-three happeni ni the same fic- i.e., seventy-five percent of the time that a fic includes either.

Rule 41: You do NOT know kung fu, motherfucker- unless you actually do, which is the only case that you have the right to attempt a fight scene.

Rule 42: Soulbonding- when you can't express in any other fashion how TRULY MEANT for each other and IN WUV your shipped characters are. (Inspired by Erisah Mae)  
Rule 42a: Or when you realistically can't think of any plot related reason these two could possibly get together. BUT IT'S STILL TRUE LOVE!  
Rule 42b: Of course, True Love can also spring up from Stockholme syndrome. Especially after sexual assault and abduction. (Rules 42, 42a, and 42b inspired by Erisah Mae)

Rule 43: Every criminal is really misunderstood, and being opressed by "the Man." The actual measure of his (hidden) goodness and decency is directly proportional to how pretty and clean said criminal is. (Inspired by Erisah Mae again)

Rule 44: Relationships between students and teachers are never odd, and any truly understanding observer will see that their love can overcome all obstacles, especially the obstacle of the teacher being old enough to be the student's father/mother.  
Rule 44a: This is exspecially not awkward when by science, magic, time travel, or simple author fiat the teacher has been de-aged to parity with the student, yet still retains memories up to their prior age in their de-aged state.  
Rule 44b: This is especially not awkward when getting a time travel "do over" with all their adult memories in a prepubescent body. (44, 44a, 44b, Erisah Mae yet again)

Rule xx: Good fic up for adoption, looking for a terrible author who will abuse the story, beating it mercilessly until it dies of internal bleeding, before vigorously raping the cooling corpse. Cause odds are, regardless of who you ask for, that's most likely what will happen, so may as well set the bar where the jumper can reach it.  
Rule xxa: Kind of a metaphor for fanfiction, really.  
Rule xxb: Although fanfiction is less of an adoption and more of a brutal kidnapping involving duct tape, brain washing, stockholme syndrome, and a whole lot of copycat crimes.

_Not quite the end. _

_Ja mata._

-AXENOME


End file.
